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Ten Letters Re: Help With a Non-Preparedness Minded Spouse
JWR's Introductory Note: The recent reply to a an e-mail
from Trevor by The Memsahib inspired ten replies. Note that many of
these were written by wives with non-prepper husbands! The final letter
comes from a family that had their house nd barn blown away by a hurricane.
Some sobering stuff.
Mr. Rawles,
You are truly blessed with your wife's level of discernment and
ability to communicate!. I would like to share our similar situation. Understand
that I am an old Girl Scout whose former leaders took us camping from New Mexico
to Old Mexico and from the beaches to the mountains. I am also the oldest of
ten living children, so my life has been one of survival, therefore this "new" way
of living is not unknown to me.
In contrast, my husband was an only child with limited Scouting experience.
We joke about "the Boy Scout" way of starting a fire (liquid charcoal
starter) versus "the Girl Scout" , "a la natural" way (tinder,
kindling, firewood). Nevertheless, we have both read a lot and have felt the
pressure of preparing for the future for a very long time. Two of three grown
children are immersed in preparing with us, with the third one beginning to
unobtrusively tune in to what's going on. They are a blessing to us.
Not long ago, my husband ran into an old buddy who had other buddies moving
into survival mode. We have all formed a solid group working together on common
goals. However, I am the only wife who relates to this "survival" stuff.
The men have been very frustrated with the situation. I have been very lonely
for the female companionship. I jokingly told them we needed a "Ladies'
Auxiliary". I tried to think of a way to do this at an introductory level
that was meaningful and real and the inspiration came. Since we live near a
coastal area, I proposed to the men that the ladies get together to create
a plan for hurricane preparedness for their families. The men talked to their
spouses, who were very receptive, as this is a threat we live with every summer.
I am now putting together information for binders I will give them at our first
meeting on Sunday, in hopes that this will be a jump off into deeper issues
of preparedness for the unknown future.
As a former teacher, I had to find ways to personalize subject matter to reach
my students. It could be exhausting, but necessary. The key was making the
issues meaningful to the individuals. We still have a long way to go to be
completely prepared, but hopefully this might give your male readers some ideas
and encouragement. Even though the future looks scary, we live in exciting
times! - Charlotte R.
Dear Editor:
I have to completely agree with Memsahib's reply. I never looked
at it from that perspective before. For my wife, she knows and understands
why
we
need
to prepare (that part has already been taken care of). She, like Trevor's wife,
does not want to hear any more about it. I, unlike Trevor, do share these opinions
with a few buddies. An older buddy of mine explained it to me like this:
"Women (generally) want to know that they and the kids will be taken care
of. They want to feel safe and secure and they want to know that their children
will also be safe. By divulging into all of the issues you bring doubts into
their minds that you will not be able to handle it."
So basically, you are best off letting your wife know that you are preparing
in case something happens in the future so that she and the kids will be safe.
If she asks for an explanation then give her one, if not then leave it for
the buddies. Most women, like Memsahib's reply stated, just want to feel secure
knowing that her man will take care of them.
Take care, - KJP
Jim:
I'm really glad a thread started on this issue. It is a major issue for many
people!
I've been very happily married for 34 years, having lived through three kids,
getting through and paying off medical school, many academic job changes before
starting a
private medical practice, and health issues of various types. My wife has supported
me in every thing I've ever done, but when it comes to preparing, she basically
says, "don't tell me all the scary stuff, I've got two more kids to raise
through high school and college. Just let me know what I need to do when the
time comes." Now, that's basically okay, as she does not begrudge me the
ammo, storable food, et cetera. She views it as my eccentric hobby. Fortunately,
money
is not a major issue at this point in our lives, so she doesn't really pay
attention to what I buy. But, friends who didn't give up their
20s and 30s for medical school and residency have a different situation; their
wives begrudge
all extraneous purchases. Also, the nurses at my clinic, without exception,
all, actively refuse to discuss any of the Peak
Oil or "long
emergency" type future scenarios that might require preparation. These are
otherwise strong,
intelligent,
highly organized women who run my medical practice, and run it well. But when
it comes to prepping for a scenario of future change (involving less availability
of food, fuel shortages, and less availability of other needed things) they
do no want to talk about it. When the other doctors and I are discussing prep
(whether its in relation to Peak Oil, climate change, the ongoing banking crisis,
the food crisis, etc) the nurses will literally leave the room. One recently
told me "I can't work and slave, if I think what you guys are talking
about might happen. I want my son to go to college, and I want to have grandchildren,
you guys are talking about Road Warrior again. That makes my ulcers act up." In
reality we were discussing the banking crisis and its likely effects on the
US dollar and the spin off effects on oil prices and their spin offs to food
availability and costs. Literally every female nurse and doctor I know has
the same attitude (as is also the case with far too many male doctors and nurses,
but not as many).
Recently, I was reading about the [WWII] German invasion of Poland, and the
aftermath, and was surprised to learn that in the early stages, many men wanted
to move
away but didn't due to their wives' refusal to discuss the issue. Same thing
happened when Castro took over Cuba, and the same with many of the Chinese
who failed to relocate to Taiwan when Mao took control.
Theory: putting all notions of political correctness on hold (where they belong),
women are genetically programmed to give birth and raise and nurture children
and families. Their evolutionary role is to nurture, to give hope, and be positive
about the future. Talking about prep requires that one face a potential future
radically different from the ongoing linear progression from here to a future
that is assumed to exactly like things are now. Violating
the assumption that things are going to be very similar to now is
apparently not fully compatible
with being a mother and maintaining a positive focus. Perhaps if we start talking
about helping our grandchildren survive and thrive in a very
different world (think of the book "World Made By Hand", by Howard
Kunstler), then female spouses might
be more receptive. My two cents worth, - DW
Dear Memsahib and Jim:
I read the posting from Trevor in regards to his wife and your response back
to him. I have empathy for Trevor concerning his wife and trying to prepare.
I agree with you, Memsahib, that at least his wife is willing to let Trevor
spend money on preparing and that her mind frame is just let me know when it's
time to go. That being said, it is too bad that she hasn't come to the reality "yet" that
this will happen and will open up to her husband and talk about it and help
him with the preparations.
It took me awhile to realize what was going on, I didn't wake up right away.
But, when I did, I was onboard. Because, even though it wasn't a pleasant thought
and yes, dreams and hopes might be lost, in order to survive what is coming
you have to prepare for it.
With everything that is happening now and at the rate that it's happening,
I'm hoping that Trevor's wife will realize, hey, things are happening, which
aren't good, and I really need to help my husband more with this.
I don't want to categorize all women, because I know that it's not this way,
but it is hard to find where both spouses are thinking the same way and are
trying to prepare for the future. I only know a couple of women, besides myself,
that realize what is going on, and is 100% with their husband and preparing
for what is coming and soon to be here.
I too read James's novel ["Patriots"]
and I rather enjoyed it. It's one of the things that really helped me open
my eyes. I read the first version, many years
ago
and then also the new version that was released fairly recently. We even bought
a "six pack" and loaned them out to friends to read. It's a very useful tool.
(Thanks, Jim!)
I just wanted to add my two cents and say that hopefully Trevor's wife's eyes
will become fully opened and she'll realize the magnitude of what is coming
at us and will talk to her husband about it and will help him prepare. Thanks,
- Susan
James:
The Memsahib has spoken the truth as powerfully as the gospel itself
it rings as loudly as only the truth could. Thank you from a guy who had the
same
problem.
I’m glad to know the problem was on my side all along, which means I
can fix it by keeping my mouth shut and talking doom and gloom with my father
and brother who see things from the same perspective as me. What a bonehead
I have been to force the issue all this time. I too have been blessed with
a wife who puts up with my need to prepare and should have been happy to have
that much all along. Thanks - Russ in Oklahoma
James Wesley:
Hmm. Converting the non-survivalist spouse. Difficult, but do-able.
Have you taken her backpacking? Not car-camping. Not RV-parking. Just good,
old-fashioned, carry-what-you-need-to-live backpacking. Start with a day
hike, then an overnighter, then longer trips. It’ll give her—and
you—a chance to see what she’s made of.
Clip stories from the newspaper and off the Internet about Americans who have
faced inconvenience—hurricanes, floods, snows, tornadoes, riots, earthquakes,
volcanoes, cryptosporidium in the water supply . . . you get the drift. Supplement
your clipping service by strewing and viewing a few carefully chosen disaster
movies and novels. Remember that attitude change is a process,
not an event. Create a climate for consensus.
Make sure your 72-hour preparations are in flawless order. Should you become “inconvenienced,” your
preparations will cast you in the role of The Wise and Provident Hero. Explain
to your wife that preparation is (a) a form of insurance, (b) one of the many ways you show her how much you love her.
I’m not sure what sorts of folks make up the “we” to whom
you refer, but if your survival buddies are wild-eyed fringe-dwellers, you
might have some difficulty persuading the Missus that you’re not “a
bunch of nuts.” To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “Nutty is as nutty
does.” Delay exposing her to the more extreme members of your group—the
Conspiracy Theorist with a truckload of fertilizer and diesel fuel, the Rambo-Wannabe
who bathes once a week whether he needs to or not, etc. Refrain from bringing
Weapons of Mass Destruction into the house. Don’t use her nice dishtowels
as [firearms] lube rags.
Is your wife an observant Christian or Jew? Perhaps you can reach her via the
many Old Testament and New-Testament Biblical prophecies about the immediate
future.
I speak as the sole Preparer in my household. I have earned tolerance and respect
for behavior that is, quite frankly, outside the mainstream. The fact of the
matter is this: Most people do not prepare, and most people are profoundly
uncomfortable with the survival mindset. If you truly love your wife, you will
bring her along as gently as possible, with hopes that, when your worst nightmares
come true, she will regard you with loyalty, understanding and cooperation. -
Mrs. Semper Paratus
Mr. Rawles,
Have your wife read any of the books on the aftermath of Hurricane
Katrina and Hurricane
Rita (about the hospitals and lack of supplies at the Superdome),
it
is scary and it does happen. The plus on some of these books is that they do
show some of the good that came out of the hurricanes. So the reading isn't
all bad. Plus if she's a health food nut getting her into the herbs and all
natural remedies should be easy.
The same can be said for the [recent] levee [break]s in the midwest, no insurance,
no
real help from our government and a lot of misinformation. Combine that with
a very
real
lack
of food and supplies for the general public and you have a recipe for disaster.
In a week without supplies people were panicking, how will they be in three
weeks?
In Alaska they send home a list of supplies they want you to send to school with
your children, just in case they get snowed in for any length of time (even on
the military base) and a list of what you should have in your car, just in case.
While we were there I read a book called "Death Stalks the Land", it is horrible
in parts and it is all about bad judgment, being ill prepared and not knowing
your surroundings or the dangers that are inherent.
In most places you will not have to deal with some of the problems I am talking
about here. Where you live, what is the worst possible natural disaster that
could happen? Here it's easy - hurricanes and floods, we live 50 feet above sea
level to well below sea level and in the Gulf [of Mexico]. If your spouse can't
see
through
to TEOTWAWKI then
get her started on what happens now and then in your area. Maybe you don't have
to
go all worst case, but tell her she needs to learn just in
case you're not right there when something happens and you want her to be able
to get your family to safety or keep them safe.
Right after [Hurricane] Katrina, a 13 year old girl was raped and her mother
couldn't help her. Children died as a result of their parents not having a good
plan or
the
wherewithal to follow through. There were regular attacks in one of the New Orleans
hotels over food and supplies.
I am like-minded for my children, I want them to be like minded so they can carry
on. The survival skills they learn from us make them stronger, more self-sufficient,
confident and better people. The same can be said for me, the more I learn the
better I feel about my abilities to handle any situation, with my husband or
God forbid, without him. Most women don't realize how empowering this knowledge
is. I mean, it's a trip knowing I have more skills than most of the men I know.
There are some things I didn't want to learn and my husband found some ways to
get me to try them. We traded off - if I wanted to go riding, we would also do
something he wanted to do and he would go riding with me and I would freeze while
ice fishing. Make what you want her to learn fun or interesting. Encourage her
to read some of the posts on SurvivalBlog. Have the kids help get her interested.
Don't push her but don't give up on her learning either.
Good luck and have her post on here too, Memsahib can tell you, I haven't stopped
since my husband introduced me to the SurvivalBlog site. - Mrs. TD
Dear Jim (and Trevor),
I thought for the longest time that I was in a similar situation, save for
the fact that I am the woman, and my husband is the one who never wanted to
help with preparedness nor seemed to want to talk about it. For me, it seemed
that my preparedness ideals came from a basic nesting instinct, a need to nurture
my family in an unseen future. Although, I have to admit, it was mixed
with the romantic remembrance of being on my grandfather’s homestead.
However, while my husband never spoke about it, I never got the feeling that
he resented it, just as Memsahib had written to you that some spouses do. My
husband always trusted me in what I was doing, so I never pressed him about
it.
Then one day, he nearly blew my mind. He actually mentioned getting a firearm
(a real one as opposed to the air rifles we currently own). Then he looked
right at me and said, “for the end-of-the-world type situation.” Since
that time, he is still somewhat closed mouthed on the situation. He will talk
more about the latest technology (it is his field of work) or one day “striking
it rich” (yes, I married a dreamer), but at the same time, there is a
father inside of him with many old-fashioned ethics and ideals, and every once
in a while, he will make a simple statement, such as the one I mentioned, or
we might have a simple conversation about future preparedness. Last night,
we
had our
longest conversation about future preparedness while sitting on the porch swing,
enjoying the evening air. It entailed gasoline prices, global warming
versus a new ice age, and a Mad Max future versus reality.
Take The Memsahib’s wise advice. Allow your beloved spouse to trust your
judgment. One day, she might surprise you, too, and make an off-hand comment.
The wisest teacher (we all know who He was) never pushed and pressured. He
allowed others to come to him of their own free will.
As for preparedness from a female perspective, Sharon Astyk has recently finished
writing a book on Peak
Oil, “Depletion and Abundance: Life on the New
Home Front”, [which will be] available Fall, 2008. However, her language
can get a bit raunchy at times, so be cautious if you look down upon that.
In case
you
have
never heard of Mrs. Astyk, there is an excellent article written by Sharon
for women at this
web site. I don't know why, but
when it comes to preparedness, the Peak Oil movement tends to attract women
more than the other sub-sects.
Until then, might I suggest [the novel] “The Long Winter” by
Laura Ingalls Wilder. It’s a bit more subtle than you might wish, but
there is the constant theme running through it of the expectation that the
train
will come,
bringing supplies, but never does. If you have children to read aloud to, so
much the better (and less suspicious). The Little House series are
excellent books for children, although with sons you may wish to read, or have
them read, “Farmer
Boy” first. My oldest son thoroughly enjoyed it, and when I started
reading the other books aloud to the younger children, he immediately recognized
Mrs.
Wilder's writing style, and was happy to listen in as well. - Mama Squirrel
Mr. Rawles,
I too have had the experience of attempting to 'bring into the fold' an eye-rolling
spouse. She read "Patriots:
Surviving the Coming Collapse", and felt that she could not identify
with a preparedness minded group on the other side of the country. We live in
Florida, and have weathered
four hurricanes, two going directly overhead. Even after three weeks of no power
(two weeks with the first, one week with the second, one day with the third),
she
still
resents my storage of gasoline and propane.
Until recently. I love so-called 'apocalypse' fiction, and a like-minded friend
of mine turned me onto a series of books by Terri Blackstock, the first of which
is called "Last Light". This four book series follows a group
of suburbanites after an EMP-like
event cripples the country (not to spoil the
story, but the
event is actually global). These people were absolutely not prepared
at all, and suffered quite a bit. Also, the book is considered Christian Fiction,
and
focuses on the Blessings of God and faith in His power and love to get the main
characters through their various trials.
My wife was only three chapters in when she began to ask "what would we
do about water" and "what would we do if this happened while the boys
were at school?"
Thankfully, she has began to support my various efforts more (less eye-rolling)
and has actually made some great suggestions that I had not thought of. We now
have a G.O.O.D. plan, and have laid in more supplies.
Thanks for your SurvivalBlog site. I read it daily and spread the word. - DT
in
Florida
Dear Jim and Memsahib,
I must agree with you Memsahib that many people are not mentally capable of
accepting that things are about to take a turn for the worst.
We live on the Gulf coast and even after living with the devastation that Hurricanes
bring, it was extremely difficult when we lost our home and barn to Hurricane
Ivan. We had hunkered down next door in my Uncles home to ride out the storm.
We never imagined that when the storm had passed that our home would be gone.
My husband, myself 7 months pregnant, our 15 year old twin boys, our 12 year
old daughter walked over the hill to go home and we were all devastated. We
didn’t have a home, or a barn. Our goats and horses were standing there
looking at us in a daze. We were homeless. I had read about
it, heard about it, and now I was about to live it. And live it we did. We
survived the nightmare.
It was quite humbling to turn around and go back to Uncles and ask to stay
a little while. After a week, we borrowed my uncle's 1970 something travel
trailer that slept two. A neighbor loaned us another travel trailer that slept another two
. My daughter slept in the kitchen/dining area on a cot. And, being pregnant,
my hormones were not real happy. Bringing another child into this world to
nothing.
I didn’t want to face it, but I didn’t
have a choice.
Now, I am the survivalist [of the
family]. I have survived the worst, and if
and
when
I
face the next hardship, you can bet your full tank of diesel that I will never ask
anyone for help again, I wont have to.
I have to agree that when ones spouse isn’t able to face it, then you must
prepare quietly and understand.
My husband just chuckles at me when I bring home 50 pounds of sugar when it is
on
sale.
Thanks to you Jim for such a wonderful site. I have learned so much. - Roxie
