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Letter Re: Saving Your Life and Saving Your Relationships--Don't Drive Your Loved Ones Away
Memsahib,
You are "spot on" with your comments regarding "Saving
Your Life and Saving Your Relationships--Don't Drive Your Loved Ones Away."
We are in our early sixties, married for 20+ years, and retired for several
years. I'm the "captain," and handle our finances (with the Admiral's
advice and consent...).
That said, the fact is we see the World differently. I am for the most part
externally oriented. The Admiral is mostly internally oriented with regard
to our home and
events, but she indulges me to a certain degree as I wander around studying
the situations and circumstances. Often these situations and events seem pretty
remote
from our lives, from her perspective. Figuratively speaking, her version of
a threat is someone one banging on the front door. My version of a threat is
someone
casing the neighborhood.
A few years ago I earnestly began my study of American economics and culture,
and came to some pretty unpleasant assessments. In fact, it was pretty grim.
When I began sharing this information with the Admiral I was disappointed
with her less-than-enthusiastic responses. I learned (pretty quickly) that
she just
didn't want to hear this stuff and it dumbfounded me how she could "ignore" such
vital information! We chose to discuss our difference in perspectives and agreed
to honor one another's position(s). I was certainly able to continue my observation
and assessment efforts, as long as I didn't go overboard and begin cutting
gun ports in the walls. (My little joke.) She indicated that she is interested
in what
I learn, but she just wasn't emotionally equipped to handle the rather constant
barrage of data that I was laying on her.
Recognizing these differences we've come to a comfortable understanding. She
knows a lot more about what I think and why, and she's helped keep me from
going too far around the bend. I feel we're pulling our wagon together; and
sharing
Life's load and challenges. Married Life is not about doing it all your way,
and compromises are often necessary. (I know something about that too - but
that's another story.)
To wrap this up, what I learned is to identify what information you want to
convey, distill it, and find an appropriate time to transmit the information
(probably
not at bedtime or during cocktails with friends!). What the Admiral was recoiling
to was the constant bombardment of stuff she basically didn't want to hear
to begin with.
One more comparison. During many years in the military I was often tasked to
brief flag officers. These folks don't usually time or inclination for all
the detailed information and data behind an analysis (that's why it's called
is a
briefing ). Generals (...and my Admiral) expect their personnel to have reviewed
all the information available and arrive at an assessment in often competing
situations. And it requires a lot of work to determine what needs to be said
if you only have three or thirty minutes before the General.
There are times and situations where a bombardment of information is appropriate;
but there are more occasions when a carefully chosen information shot will
work better.
Thanks for a well done and very informational web site. Best, - Captain
